The most powerful question is, “What do you mean by that?” Even when there seems to be little ambiguity in a remark, this question can break the tension of an awkward moment and buy time. It may even yield unexpected and new information. Let’s clarify my use of the term “argument.” The word “argument” today is often taken to mean quarrel as in, “I don’t mean to argue with you.” However, traditionally it meant to give reasons for a position on an issue under discussion. The critical word being “reasons.” In general, you are using questions to sift out the grains of reason from the chaff of assertions, opinions, and stories. An assertion simply states a point, while an argument is much more than an assertion. it gives supporting reasons why the point should be taken seriously. Opinions are not proof. In a discussion, ask yourself, “Did he give me an argument, or did he just give me an opinion?” If an opinion, then your goal is to help them to see that and encourage them to provide reasons: 1) “Well, that’s an interesting point of view, but what’s your argument? “ 2) “Okay, and what are the reasons for your conclusion?” 3) “What makes you think that’s the right way to see it?” 4) “I’m curious. How did you come to this assumption?” 5) “Hmmm. Why do you say that?”
Next time: staying off defense. In Christ...
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